Hati Yang Kau Sakiti

Struggling

arrgghhh!! yes,lately my emotion always goes up n down. at 1 moment u can see me laughing and at the other moment u can see me hibernating.i'm not sure until when i manage to control myself. i'm just like a timing bomb waiting to explode! it's a kind of heavy burden laying on my back. goshhh!! i'm depressed ok. work work work + personal things which are getting worse i think.ya allah..kuatkan hati hambamu ini. taktau nk lari mana lg dh. those problem still following me.

i hate to write about me in here.but this is the only way i can express my feeling. i have no one else to share with. yeah so pathetic right. i always live on my small own space. i'm so lonely so so lonely. i dont think i should misserable others life with my never ending problems. it keeps coming and more complicated. and i'm so stubborn to take my frens advice. i dont know either i'm strong enough to take it. its not easy to take such that decision after a very very long way i've gone through. and at last brought me here. there's no turning back. it just a one way street. if i took THAT decision, i dont want to be here anymore. i want to go back to where i started before 5 years ago.

i was like in a dream before. all my wish, my hope, my plan just got right. i got almost everything i wish. almost.. just the last step then suddenly get ruined. i can easily jump from one company to another company with brighter oppoturnity. i'm likeable at each place. until the fate brought me here,where i wish i can start another phase of my life. it was sooo sooo close! the planning is perfect. at the moment of counting days,then everything changed. for this last 2 years,so many thing happened. only close frens knew how I get through the test. so much tragedy, so much pain, so much tears..and i dont bother anymore to whom i cry is. and alhamdulillah i got such a wonderful frens who really care about me.eventhough i knew them from a relationship, but they all like such people i knew since i was a kid. ya allah, murahkan rezeki mereka ini ya allah.yang banyak meringankan ujian mu ini ya allah. kalo tidak, pasti dh lama aku tersungkur.walaupon ujian demi ujian yang mendatang, mereka masih setia dgn ku. mmg aku agak hilang arah dikala ini.banyak kali aku meraung di malam hr.mereka jua yg tenangkan aku kembali.banyak sungguh jasa kalian.mmg tak terhingga balasannya. 5thn juge usia persahabatan kita. walau apa yg jd seterusnya, tak mungkin akan terputus mcm tue saja.

dh masuk thn ke-3 sejak semua ujian nie mendatang. sesetengah hairan kenapa aku masih bole bertahan. berdiri lg disisinya walaupun agak goyah dirinya. ikutkan hati, malas nk pk lg,lebih baik angkat kaki.kan senang kalau langkah semudah kata.mmg semua yang berlaku ada hikmahnya. pasti setiap kesabaran akan ada balasannya.tp adakah ini juge petunjuk dr Nya?? waallahualam...tak bisa nk tafsirkan setiap kejadian.

ramai nasihatkan aku "move on reen"..tp kenapa berat sgt langkah aku. sayang, yea masih ada rasa itu, tp adakah rasa itu jugak yg akan menjerat aku kemudian hari? ingin saje biarkan masa yang tentukan segalanya.seperti mana masa yang menentukan permulaannya. sape2 yg tau permulaannya, pasti korg ingt betapa manisnyakan. mcm kisah dongeng pon ada. bila ada yang mendengar cerita nie, pasti akan bersorak gembira.takjub dgn jln ceritanya. sama kisahnya mcm novel2 cinta. mustahil, tp tue yg terjadi. segala yg berlaku dulu,masih jelas sgt dimataku.mcm ada layar putih tgh mainkan tayangan gambar. complete dgn audionya.

tak mungkin mudah bg aku buat keputusan melulu. rasa takpuas selagi tak tau apa yg patut aku tau. mesti perlu lengkap dgn why? when? who? what?aku nk tau setiap jawapan untuk semua tue. aku taknak baki2 hidup aku nnt dihantui soalan2 yg sama pd hal aku ada peluang itu untuk bertanya. biar perit terima hakikat yg ada sekarang, dr terima kemudian dan masa tue dh terlambat untuk undur ke belakang.

yes,sekarang aku rasa aku seperti dh tak diperlukan. aku bukan sesiapa pon. tak berhak untuk bersuara. inilah yg melemahkan aku. aku bukan seperti aku yg selalunya begitu lantang pertahankan hak aku. kenapa aku lemah sgt nie....aku hanya mampu bersuara dlm diam. yang tak sape pon dgr. mungkin aku tak biasa dgn pergolakan sebegini. terlalu aman sebelum nie. silap aku kah? sebelum nie aku tak meletakkan kesalahan ke atas sesiapa. tp keadaan yg jdkan begini. skrang, entahlah...mungkin ada salah aku yg aku tak pernah sedar. manusia mmg akan leka dgn kesenangan diri. bila dh hilang, br sedar di mana silapnya. aku dh tak mampu menjawab soalan2 yang dilemparkan kpdaku. sbb jawapannya tetap sama. aku sendiri taktau apa jawapannya. itu yg jdkan keadaan lg parah. membisu saje yg akan jadi penyelamat...hah!!! tp sejauh mana aku nk lari. dh jauh aku lari.kudrat dh makin lemah.aku perlu berhenti untuk rawat diri sendiri. tp dimana dan bila patut aku berhenti?

Broken Hearted

hmm....smlm balik keje rasa penat sgt.mata mmg tak bole nk celik langsung.last2 tertido dpn tv kul 8 lebey.mkn pon idak.mmg sgt tak bole buka mata. dh la sejam semacam jea smlm. siap dgn comforter lagik.mmg tido tak hengat.hahhahhaha..tp kul 11 terjaga jua...layan tenet kejap. tp tenet ngok! hohoho. so kul 12 tido ler balik. pg td bangun teringat sesuatu.hhmmm...

trus tekan2 tepon send text message to Cik Far. apa jd dgn plan kitorg hr nie ntah.hihihi. ok dia reply kul 12 dia gerak dr umah.hmmm...still got about 2 hours.so smbg tido ler.kekkeke.mlm td mmg tido beralaskan tikar buluh jea. tv tak tutup, lampu menyala sampai pg. tue pon masih bole tido yang melampau. ngek ngek ngek. kul 12 br la bangun mandi n bersiap. kul 12.45 br la cik far sampai. terpusing2 minah tue nk masuk umah aku.kekekeke. so trus heading to umah Cik Yati Mohd Salleh,coursemate dulu. kene sebut nam abapak sekali.pasal nnt konpius which yati. ada 2 yati sebenarnya. yati sorg lg dh kawen n dh ada sorg baby.yati yang aku nk pegi umah dia nie,yati yg br nk bertunang.hehhe.so nk p majlis tunang dia la. dokat jea dgn umah aku.

tp sampai umah abg dia,kemusykilan sikit. sunyi jek. salah hr kah kitorg nie.wahahhaha. cik far call yati, yati suh masuk.dia kt atas tgh makeup. kitorg masih teragak2 nk masuk.sampai la kwn yati trun jemput kitorg depan pintu, br la rasa tak salah hr.kekkekek.bukan apa, meja n khemah ada jea kt luar tue. tp pintu tertutup rapat. tak nmpk org lak tue. jemput dtg kul, 12 tp nie dh kul 1 dh. so dh tak perlu risau salah hr la.hehehhe.

rupanya rombongan lelaki dtg kul 3 ptg. no wonder la sume lom siap sedia. yg aku n cik far paling risau, pasal tak nmpk plak catering. hahahhaha.kiotrg tgh lapo yang amat.yea arrr bangun dh kul bape. tak bekpes, trus jea g majlis org dgn niat nk trus mkn kt sana. nah ambik ko. padan muka. wahahahha. terkulat2 dua2 org menahan lapar. last2 kitorg ambik goodie bag siap2. pasal dlm tue ada muffin.hahhahhaha. bole agak la awat cepat jea ambik goodie bag kan. tp tak pantas sgt la kitorg nie. dh dkt 2 jam br nk bertindak. mmg licin la. siap cungkil2 saki baki muffin dr dlm cup.hahhaha. tp muffin tue mmg sedap.rasa blueberry. lembut..mmg cepat jea licin. mak yati yg buat sendiri tau.pandai betul mak dia. siap berangan nk mintak resepi.cewahh konon nk try buat sendiri la. oven pon tarak kt umah.

dh belasah muffin,tp menten dok tgg bila nk bole makan nie. hohoho.tepat kul 3 rombongan lelaki sampai. toktek toktek, kt kul 4 gakla br mula makan.hohoho. menu yg ada: spegeti, bihun grg, lontong, salad, coleslow, kek chocolate, kek lapis, bingka ubi n most menarik kambing panggang. sebenarnya majlis sekali dgn akikah anak buah yati, aidil. cute betui budak tue.geramm sgt tgk dia. mmg selamat la pipi dia aku picit2. huhu.

bole dapat air n bihun grg,tak terkata apa dh aku. laparn haus. licin bihun grg, smbg ambik spegeti n coleslow lakss. spegeti mmg aku sgt suka ok. pastu tgk cik far n linda belasah kambing. hohohoho.sedapnya tgk diorg makan....aku dh berzaman tak mkn kambing. taktau nape jd tak mkn. pada hal dulu aku mkn ok jea.takde side effect pon. suddenly stop mkn kambing sejak kakak aku kawin 5 thn lps.huhu. tp hr nie terliur sgt tgk kambing tue. gravy pon mcm lazat jea. nie la 1st p majlis tunang yg menu more to western. i like! aku bangun lg untuk kali ke-3. hahhaha. tibai 1 eping kambing n 2 potong yg dh dicarik2. gravy melimpah. hahhaha. then ambik 2 slice chocolate cake, 1 slice kek lapis n bingka serba satu.hahhahha. giler melantak. nyam2...sedapnya kambing nie. takde bau langsung kambingnya. kambing akikah kan, mesti la yg fresh br lepas sembelih.

duduk tenangkan perut dulu. kul 5 cabut balik. masa tue aku cam pening2 ckit2. hihi. kesan mkn kambingkah? hohoho. sampai umah sy mcm sgt pening. tarik selimut n tido lagi.wahahhaha. lg banyak pejam dr celik ari nie. maghrib br celik semula.hehhehhe.



You’re everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could’ve been. But still you live inside of me. So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget. The only one I’d love to not forgive. And though you break my heart, you’re the only one. And though there are times when I hate you, cause I can’t erase the times that you hurt me. And put tears on my face and even now while I hate you. It pains me to say, I know I’ll be there at the end of the day.

I don’t wanna be without you babe, I don’t want a broken heart. Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe. I don’t wanna play that part I know that I love you. But let me just say I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no. I don’t want a broken heart and I don’t wanna play the broken hearted girl...No...No No broken hearted girl. I’m no broken hearted girl.

Something that I feel I need to say . But up to now I’ve always been afraid. That you would never come around and still I want to put this out.
You say you’ve got the most respect for me but sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me. And still you’re in my heart but you’re the only one and yes
there are times when I hate you. But I don’t complain Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away. Oh but now I don’t hate you. I’m happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe.,I don’t want a broken heart. Don’t wanna take breath with out you babe, I don’t wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no. I don’t want a broken heart and I don’t wanna play the broken hearted girl...No..No No broken hearted girl. Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be..Oooo. I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me...yeah. Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away with you yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby I don’t wanna a broken heart. Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby, I don’t wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say. I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No. I don’t want a broken heart, I don’t wanna play the broken hearted girl..No..No..No broken hearted girl, broken hearted girl No..no..no broken-hearted girl, no broken hearted girl...